‘What’s God going to say to my questions? I’m braced for the worst. I’ll climb to the lookout tower and scan the horizon. I’ll wait to see what God says, how he’ll answer my complaint. And then God answered: “Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what’s coming. It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn’t lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time. And then God answered: “Write this. Write what you see. Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run. This vision-message is a witness pointing to what’s coming. It aches for the coming—it can hardly wait! And it doesn’t lie. If it seems slow in coming, wait. It’s on its way. It will come right on time.’
Habakkuk 2:1-3 (MSG)
Ever since I can remember I struggled with my thoughts. I would spend hours thinking about everything. Good things, memories, bad things, little things, just anything. There were always those questions and thoughts of “what if”, “I should’ve, “If only”, etc. Those were THE WORST! I spent a lot of time on those; daydreaming of how some situations in my life could’ve played out differently and what that would look like. I spent so much time lost in my thoughts, deep in my regrets and away in my imagination. Daydreaming and thinking even became way of escape (a topic for a different blog). Sometimes it was nice and good, but most times it worked against me. A lot of times the worst place for me to be in was in my own mind. I had no respect for myself. I didn’t believe in myself because of all my past mistakes. You know the same way you binge-watch a series on TV? Well, that’s the exact same way I would go through my mental filing cabinet and replay every mistake, every bad step, every bad thing I said or did and beat myself up for it. I would talk bad about myself and try to tie the past with the present and find a way for everything to be “my fault”. Sometimes I would learn a thing or two about a past situation but mainly they were things that could never happen again. For example, when I was about 8 or 9, I hit my Dad in the face with some napkins out of anger for wrongfully scolding me. He looked at me so differently in that moment and I always wished that never happened. I felt I disrespected him in such a bad way, and to this day I could never do something like that, not unreasonably at least. That’s a specific situation that won’t happen again, but I would spent time replaying it in my head, “doing it differently” and wondering what it would have been like if he had reacted differently. He didn’t hit me or punish me, he simply told me, in a very serious manner, to never do that again. And that’s all it took; that’s all it took to instill that in me forever, and now I’ve instilled that into my children, and even into my husband. Granted, that’s also a lesson from my culture “La cara no se toca”, or “Con la cara no se juega”at least I think it is/was, who knows.
Fast-forwarding a bit, in my previous blog I mentioned how I wanted to find my iron; that I needed to get a clear vision of what my goals and purposes were and what God says about me and how He sees me. I realized that one: I needed to write that out because of my horrible memory. And two, gathering this information would benefit me in more ways that one. Not only will it help me filter what people say about me, but it will help me with all the crazy thoughts in my head. I don’t have to spend countless hours of my life thinking about all these scenarios and situations, I simply have to use this same filter and tune out the thoughts that don’t align with God’s purpose for me. I can stop speaking badly about myself because God doesn’t see that in me anymore. I am forgiven, I am redeemed of my past. I am working towards healing and deliverance. I don’t have to spiral in my head anymore; I can get up, lift my head,rejoice and refocus. I don’t have to allow myself to get into my thoughts, into my feelings and get all depressed and “give up on life” like I would do most times. God has a plan for me, God has more for me and that’s what I want for myself.
‘And the Lord answered me: “Write the vision; make it plain on tablets, so he may run who reads it. ‘
Habakkuk 2:2 (ESV)
And so I did that. I wrote down everything God has spoken to me, everything that is personally for me and my family. I answered all the questions from my blog. I titled it “God’s Words”. This took some time because I had to find all my old notebooks and go through them. Then, I had to look in the lost files in my mental filing cabinet. But it was worth the wait, because it was all there, in plain sight. Easy to read and readily available. It’s like a weapon now. Once those thoughts start to creep in, I’m reminded of THE TRUTH. And life has been better since this. Yeah, it’s only been a couple weeks but the difference is BIG, and the fruit is bountiful. God is such an amazing and loving Father.
•Krys• 